Is Anxiety Making Your Spanx Too Tight?

What do you reach for when you feel your anxiety starting to rise? What helps you release the tension that builds when you’re feeling worried, freaked out? What gets your mind off what you’re anxious about and onto something that feels better, if just a little? What do you reach for to calm your nerves? Yep, food.

Overeating to Cope

Why does overeating help? Seriously, why don’t we over-meditate or “over-something” a bit healthier? It sure would save us from compounding an already challenging anxiety situation, not to mention money on our ever expanding Spanx collection!

We’re wired for taking the path of least resistance. This seems to be especially true when we experience emotional discomfort. Few of us were ever taught the skills needed to get through tough emotional times in a healthy way.

As a result, most of us avoid, push down, deny or numb our feelings through whatever means most available to us at the time. Once we see that it works, it becomes a go-to habit. After that, this maladaptive strategy is employed over and over with very little thought.

Comfort and Control

Sometimes we keep reaching for “comfort food” because it reminds us of better times in the past. Other times we reach out for “treats” to get us through. And then sometimes we reach out for something that is usually “off limits” so we can subconsciously create the opportunity to stop feeling anxious and start hating ourselves. Seriously.

Eating also may serve a subconscious function of feeling like we are in control, because anxiety sure doesn’t feel that way. Or it may serve the subconscious function of feeling that we are choosing the lesser of two evils, either we can freak out or we can eat. So many possible reasons!

Each person is different, and I don’t want to make this issue sound too easy to fix. Habits are brutal. But with strategies in place and practice, it is possible to start a new habit around your anxiety and eating.

That said, the strategies I’m going to suggest may seem totally unappealing and I know it. They don’t come with any dopamine hit from getting a treat, they don’t set off a blood sugar spike in your bloodstream, they don’t release the neurochemicals involved in reaching for the “forbidden fruit” and they don’t insert a behavior that allows you to turn your emotions to anger.

I know, it is a tough sell.

Even for me and I teach this stuff! But, I ultimately believe in our ability (and need) to prevail against immediate gratification.

How to change your habit:

1. Recognize you’ve gotten into the habit of choosing food to address your anxiety or other feelings that aren’t comfortable.
2. Notice when you start to feel your anxiety (or other uncomfortable feelings).
3. Label your feelings and body experience as anxiety.
4. Tell yourself that you can handle these uncomfortable anxious feelings without eating.
5. Turn your attention onto something else. Yes, you are trying to distract yourself here.
6. Take deep breaths, with longer exhale than inhales.
7. Repeat steps 2–5 until you’ve moved past your discomfort. It may take a little while but will get easier the more you do this.

To recap: You start being more aware of your feelings. You tell your brain what is going on by labeling your anxiety. You tell yourself that you know your brain will want you to eat. And then you show your brain that you can handle it without food by turning your attention onto something else. Then you repeat the process over and over until you safely get past the discomfort without reaching for food or something else.

Like I said before, this process doesn’t come with any of the things we’re used to. It doesn’t instantly relieve the tension, it doesn’t give us a jolt of neurophysiological anything and it doesn’t allow us to transfer our anxiety to self-loathing.

BUT what it does give us is the ability to transform our anxiety in an empowering, healthy way and that eventually will become second nature!

Like It Or Not, You are the Average of the 5 Thoughts You Spend the Most Time With

There’s a famous saying, “You are the average of the five thoughts you spend the most time with.”

Wait, something doesn’t sound right about that. And yet, something sounds totally right about that.

The famous saying by the late Jim Rohn was actually, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” What he meant by that is that when it comes to relationships, we are greatly influenced — whether we like it or not — by those closest to us. The people we spend the most time with affect our way of thinking, our self-esteem, and our decisions. Sure, we like to think we are our own independent snowflake, but research has shown that we’re more affected by our environment than we think.

I think the same can be said for your emotions and thoughts. I think if you were to reflect on your main thoughts you would see that they shape you more than you think.

Check it out and see for yourself. What are the thoughts you have most often?

Are you having a hard time remembering specifics? It’s really not much of a surprise if you are because scientists estimate we have anywhere from 12,000–60,000 thoughts per day!

If it’s hard to figure out one of those 60,000 thoughts per day off the top of your head, you can work backward from what feelings you recall having most often. We’re often more aware of how we feel then the actual thoughts that are causing the feelings. So think of the five feelings you usually have most throughout a typical day. Gratitude? Resentment? Pressure? Joy? Uncertainty? Irritation? Anger? Impatience? Creative? Stress?

Good. Once you identify the feelings you have most often you can backtrack to what types of thoughts might be causing them. You don’t even have to necessarily identify your exact thoughts, a ballpark grouping fits the bill here.

Use the feelings you just identified to recognize the thought “ballparks” you find yourself in most often? Negative thoughts, positive thoughts, worrisome, hopeful, realistic, unrealistic, anxious, assured thoughts?

It’s estimated that a ridiculously high percentage of the thoughts we have each day are repeats.

That’s right, most of our thoughts are recycled over and over each day.

If you are spending most of your day repeating negative thoughts, then it really doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that you’re going to trend toward the negative. If you spend most of your day repeating worrisome thoughts about this, that and the other thing then well, you can see how that will end up playing out. Likewise if you spend most of your day repeating thoughts along the lines of hopeful or positive thoughts, you’re going to trend in the opposite direction.

If you want to make changes in your life, start by tackling the thoughts you spend the most time with. If you find your thoughts aren’t ones that will help you, you need to start thinking different thoughts. It actually is that simple.

Simple but not easy! I know, that’s an annoying saying…but it is true in this case. When you find yourself thinking or feeling a way you don’t like insert a different thought. Literally any other thought (assuming it is not similar to the one you want to get rid of) will do.

Often the hard part is being aware of your thoughts in the moment, which happens to be the ideal time to insert new ones. But the good news is that choosing new thoughts/feelings whenever you remember to think of them will start to produce positive results over time!

Give it a try, I’d love to hear how it goes for you.

Of These 3, Where Do You Spend Your Time?

Past, Present, Future

At every moment we can be in one of three different time zones. We can be in the past, present or future. Who says time machines and teleportation doesn't exist?Heading 2

The problem is we're rarely the one in the driver's seat. Most of the time our habitual patterns of thinking do the driving. And we just go along for the ride. 

We let our thoughts pull us back to what has happened in the past. Mulling over a conversation we had with our partner, replaying a disagreement we had with a colleague, second-guessing our decision to do this versus that, or kicking ourselves for eating this versus that. How often do you find yourself here?

If you’re like me, you might spend more time in the future. Constantly planning for the next thing, predicting what you're going to say and do, figuring out how things are going to turn out, even experiencing emotions of things yet to come. Sometimes you'll even totally stress yourself out...for something that isn’t even real! It hasn’t happened! Yep, know it. 

Last, and often least, we can spend time in the present.

All of my "power-of-now-genre" reading had me thinking that “in the present” would feel different somehow. Like, I would know when I was being truly in the moment because it would feel amazing and take on some sort of transcendent lightness. Unicorns and rainbows everywhere.

Total wishful thinking. And way off target.

Being in the present is merely catching oneself when swimming in the past or flying toward the future. And returning one's focus back to the here and now. No glowing purple aura. No blissed out smile. Just doing whatever one is doing right then and there. Driving. Writing. Searching online.

Sounds boring when I compare it to the emotional drama or self-righteous reliving of past events. Or compared to the cortisol and adrenaline pumping worst-case-scenarios one can conjure up for the future. 

I think that's part of what actually may hook us on the Past and the Future. Perceived boredom with the present. 

What do you think?

3 Ways to Find Happiness Out of Nowhere

Happiness

Because you’re human, I might know what you want. You want things to go your way, obstacles to lift, hardships to be pushed aside, reassurances to be felt, and joy to be free flowing. That’s only normal and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Another thing that’s normal is that most of us have a pretty narrow view of happiness. This limited view gets conditioned into us at an early age and then reinforced over and over. Conditioned. We learn what to be happy about.

We may not think of our concept of happiness as being narrow. After all, we can name tons of things that make us happy! However, the narrowness comes from thinking of happiness as things that must be present in order for us to be happy. Sure those things work. They’re also mostly out of our control.

Think of how much happiness you’re missing!

Happiness Redefined

Let me help with that.

1. Rename. Notice when you aren’t unhappy. Call it happy by default. Seriously. We’re in charge of naming our experiences and feelings. We don’t have to stick to what we’ve done in the past. Pick out the times in your day that you aren’t unhappy and simply rename it as happy!
2. Reframe. Broaden your definition of happy. Don’t just keep it to the neurotransmitter induced “I just won the lottery” or “So-and-so just texted me” versions of happy. Sure those things feel good, okay winning the lottery would feel amazing, but the point is we can stop relying on these feelings. Start reframing other things in your life as things that you can feel happy about when you experience.
3. Reclaim. Create your own happiness by reclaiming your approach. Stop waiting for it to just happen to you or for you to just happen upon it. Take the reigns of your mood and know that you can reclaim control of your own happiness! You just have to choose to. And then repeat.

What do you do to be happier? I’d love to hear your tips and insights!

Guilt and Anxiety When You Lead a Charmed Life: 3 Things to Do

Complex Emotion of Guilt

A new client came in to see me recently and sheepishly admitted that she felt bad for being there. She had put off coming for almost a year and finally made herself come. But it wasn’t because of the emotional pain around a certain experience that made her feel so bad.

This new client felt guilty for having an issue with anxiety because she had such a “charmed” life.

After our meeting I couldn’t help but continue to think about the complex emotion we call guilt. Especially when it keeps us from doing something that will help us…like reaching out for help with something we need help with!

The thing is, anxiety doesn’t really care what kind of life you’ve had in order for it to slip in and make itself at home. Charmed, crappy, or anywhere in between is all fair game when it comes to anxiety. 

Anxiety must love it when people feel guilt and avoid help. The last thing anxiety wants is for its’ person to seek help. It almost seems that anxiety is in cahoots with guilt just for this purpose!

So what can you do about it?

 3 Ways to Overcome Guilt

1. Recognize “guilt” is a conditioned feeling. We may not know how we picked up on this association. But at some point we started associating guilt with having more things than others or doing something others can’t do. We then repeated this association enough times until it stuck. So, to unstick it and condition a different response, whenever your feel your guilt, kindly thank it and then turn your attention onto something else to let it go.
2. Get help anyway. Clearly you not seeking the help you want (and need) is not a message you should listen to. Think of it this way, if your friend gave you the advice to avoid getting help, you’d have no problem not listening to that friend would you? We need to treat our guilt the same way in this case. Just don’t listen to it and look up online someone to help you with your anxiety. 
3. Turn guilt to gratitude. Life isn’t fair and unfortunately there are many examples of haves and have nots. Instead of feeling guilt if you are in the “haves” category, use it as an opportunity to express gratitude for what you have. And try to have that be: gratitude, full stop. It is extremely hard not to feel empathetic to others less fortunate than you. But denying yourself of the help you need does absolutely nothing for someone in a less fortunate situation than you. Gratitude, full stop.

If you find that you have a hard time letting go of the guilt after trying these 3 things, it might be helpful to do a little inner reflection on your feelings of self worth. It is extremely common for people to feel unworthy of good things.

Mainly because feeling worthy makes one think that it automatically assumes some people are unworthy. And that feels totally wrong.

And it is wrong. This is a false dichotomy, and simply not true. No one is unworthy of good things.

So replace self-worth with self-esteem so your brain doesn’t slip into thinking in terms of worthy/unworthy.

The Secret Coffee Meditation No One Talks About

Who: You and anyone else who wants to start a meditation practice that will stick.

What: The Coffee Meditation. It’s simply meditating on your couch or overstuffed living room chair (or any other upright comfortable position) with a hot mug of coffee in your hands.

Why: Because you’ll actually do it.

When: First thing in the morning before everyone gets up. Or whenever it works for your schedule. The key to the success of this meditation is to personalize it so it fits your life in a way that you’ll do it.

How: Pour yourself a cup of coffee (or tea if you’re a tea drinker). Sit in a comfortable spot. Hold your coffee firmly on your lap or set it down beside you. Set your alarm for however many minutes you want to meditate. Start meditating. Feel free to take sips from your coffee during this meditation. When you drink, turn your attention onto your coffee. After your yummy sip, turn it back to your breath or however else you are meditating.

Repeat each day.

Let me know if you have a secret coffee meditation. Coffee meditators of the world unite! :-)

5 Proven (by me) and Unconventional Ways to Use Meditation

enefits and Unconventional Ways to Use Meditation.

1. To pass time in a boring meeting. Let's face it, not all meetings are created equal so when you find yourself in one that’s wasting your time, use it to get your daily meditation in. The beauty of meditation is that it is available whenever you want. If you get in the routine of focusing on your breath while keeping your eyes open, you can be looking at the person who’s speaking, be meditating, and impressing your boss for paying attention at the same time!

2. To ease into the day when I'm tired. My routine for a while now has been to get up at 5am, feed my dog, and do my meditation (with my morning coffee. You can read about that here). On most days I am okay with that routine. Actually, it’s pretty darn good. But there are definitely days when I'm sorry I allowed my dog’s breakfast expectation to be so early! On those days, when I'm a bit sleepy and resistant to embracing the morning, my meditation time eases me into it. If I happen to lose focus on my breath and doze off, well, I get a few bonus zzzz’s and call it good.

3. To get out of running when I don’t feel like running. Meditation has such strong scientific backing regarding its benefits that I am totally okay with substituting a long meditation for a long run. I must admit that I miss the runner’s high and the nice feeling of a physically worked out body, but other than that sometimes it is just the ticket I’m looking for!

4. To feel like I’m kin to all the great meditating ones that came before me and all the great meditating ones that are practicing here today. I know, that is so ego-filled that it almost hurts to write...but it’s true. Sometimes the extrinsic motivation I get via comparison works for me. So I go with it. The people I most admire and aspire to be like have regular contemplative practices and, well thanks to my healthy ego, so do I.

5. To know what I’m talking about and be better at my job. I help people overcome their anxiety. It’s my passion and my job. Awareness of our inner dialogue is key to making massive changes in this area. So, I encourage people to do this by starting a meditation practice. And because sooo many people have no desire to have a meditation practice, I need to know what I’m talking about so I can really sell it!

There you have ‘em. 5 unconventional ways to use meditation. I share them because the more creative we are in cultivating a meditation practice, the more likely we are to continue it over the long run. And over the long run is where it’s at!

Overcoming Anxiety Isn’t an Intuitive or Creative Process. So What Do I Do?

A Plan

Overcoming anxiety isn’t an intuitive or creative process. And it doesn’t come from digging deep or having an “aha!” moment that explains everything.

Overcoming anxiety like most things in life we want to change, takes deliberate, consistent practice of targeted strategies, repeated over time.

Not so glamorous I know. It would be so much more exciting if you, after spending months visiting a comfy overstuffed chair in my office working to uncover various childhood ups and downs, remembered that one incident that totally explained everything about your anxiety. And then, knowing that, your anxiety would plead, “Uncle!” and then disappear. It wold be like winning the recall lottery! The promise of that alone would be a compelling endeavor.

Unfortunately, that isn’t how things work. I wish I could spice up what is actually needed to help you overcome your anxiety, and I’ll try. But before we get to the targeted strategies and consistent practices we really need to check two things.

First, let’s check in with your thinking around having anxiety in general. Pause and try to identify what your thoughts are about having anxiety. What does having anxiety mean about you?

The second part is to take a moment and really become aware of your thoughts about how you get rid of anxiety. What do you think needs to happen in order for you not to have your anxiety any more? Is it even possible?

Your answers to these two questions will literally make or break your anxiety.

Your Belief System

Are they positive or negative? Set in stone or changing? Permanent or temporary? For example, do you think you are a flawed, weak human being because you have anxiety? Do you think anxiety is impossible to get rid of without some really good medication?

Here’s an example using a different struggle. Say I’m fat and think it is because I am weak, ugly and lack willpower. Let’s say I also think I’m always going to be fat because it runs in my family and on top of that, I’m big boned and have a stressful job. Can you see how I am going to have an uphill battle with losing weight with those two belief systems in place? I can tell you for sure that losing weight (with these beliefs) isn’t going to happen.

Anxiety is the same way. Your belief systems are critical in overcoming your anxiety. You’ll need to establish accurate and growth-focused foundational thoughts and beliefs about the fact that you have anxiety and that it is possible to overcome it before you will be able to make any headway in stopping your anxiety.

Tomorrow we’ll break down how to establish accurate and growth-focused foundational thoughts and beliefs. For today, just keep noticing your thoughts and beliefs about why you have anxiety and if you think it is possible to make go away.

3 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Started Meditating

Calm will come. Seriously. You wouldn’t expect to lose weight after one day of trying, would you? Likewise, you wouldn’t expect to get that promotion after one day of hard work. Same with meditation. Keep trying. Anyone who leads you to believe otherwise isn’t a meditator.

Baby steps. Start with a short period of time in a comfortable position. Your couch? In bed? At your kitchen table? 1 minute? 4? Nothing is off limits. If you make it too unappealing or don’t have the time, you aren’t going to do it. Period. Set yourself up to succeed. This isn’t the place to explore your purist roots.

Lower your expectations. Don’t even let the word bliss enter your thinking. Blank slate? Forget about it! You will have a constant stream of thoughts, I guarantee it. Don’t expect anything but what you get. Sorta like telling a tantruming child, “You’ll get what you get and don’t throw a fit!” I’ve always been sorta bothered by the fact that those words don’t really rhyme…but tough love to the rescue!

3 Habits to Help You Find Confidence Out Of Nowhere

Confidence

Becoming more confident isn’t a creative, intuitive or mysterious process. And it’s not something that is only available to certain people and not to others. Confidence, if you want it, is a skill that is yours for the taking. You provide the curiosity and determination and these 3 habits will provide the blueprint.

Scientists are still trying to determine if there are specific biological markers for confidence. As of now, although there is some evidence that confidence may come easier to some than others, the overriding evidence appears that it is available to everyone for the taking.

The reason? The development of confidence is largely a learned quality reinforced and perpetuated by habits. And we can all practice good habits.

Confidence, like many other qualities we admire in people, is the result of thousands of small subconscious thoughts, beliefs, decisions and behaviors made over the course of years. They become such a habit most confident people don’t even realize they are doing them.

If you lack confidence, then, it isn’t because you didn’t get the “confidence gene” or are broken in some way. Although sometimes it can feel that way. It’s that you haven’t been practicing the right habits.

Take note that confidence, real confidence that spans your lifetime, isn’t built on how you look, how smart you are, or what type of job you have. Those things fluctuate too much to tie your confidence to. If you get into the practice of the 3 habits below, you’ll create a stable anchor that you can hitch your confidence to.

But first, a little warning. The most common mistake that people make when pursuing change is setting their sights on a particular event, a massive transformation, or an overnight success they want to achieve, rather than focusing on what it takes to make it happen. It’s okay to be excited about the new skills you’ll be developing but it is also important to treat any type of change as a journey. Or in another way, see it like a marathon and not a sprint. Forming habits and routines takes practice and repetition. So plan on confidence taking a little time to cultivate and you’ll set yourself up for long-term success!

3 Habits of Confidence

Habit #1: Don’t Wait, Do

We can’t just think ourselves into being confident, we must take action. All-too-often, however, people are stuck with the thought that action follows confidence. As in: I’ll take action when I’m confident. When I’m definitely ready. 100% ready. And not a moment before.

We convince ourselves that if we watch one more webinar on a topic or listen to one more podcast THEN we’ll be ready and have the confidence needed to achieve our goals.

Do any of these sound familiar? It is easy to fall into that way of thinking. After all, no one likes to not be good at something. But in the world of building confidence, this type of thinking is counter productive.

So how do you change this way of thinking? One action step at a time. Or as Aristotle once said, “Do good, be good.” It actually isn’t about how you’re feeling about something or how much you know about something that determines your confidence, it is your ability to act.

You can think of it like playing tennis. In order to gain confidence in your ability to play tennis you can read all the books you want but if you want to improve your tennis confidence, you’ll need to actually get on the court and play!

In order to “get on the court” so to speak, you’ll need to regularly make choices that put you outside your comfort zone. So don’t wait, go out there and do something, anything today.

Habit #2: Fake it Until you Learn it

Let’s face it, change isn’t always comfortable. Even good change.

But it’s not you. Humans have a tendency to take the easier option in any situation more times than not. Researchers now say this may actually be ‘hardwired’ in our brains. A recent study has found that the more mental effort something requires, the less likely people are to do it. They say it is so powerful, it can even change what we think we see in order to make the easier option more attractive!

Improving one’s confidence definitely isn’t the easier option for most people. Talk about having our deck stacked against us! But just because we may have an obstacle in our path doesn’t mean there aren’t ways around it. For ways around it, we look no further than the cause of our obstacle itself, our brain.

Introducing, “Fake it until you learn it.” Researchers have found that “acting” a certain way allows your brain to “rehearse” a new way of thinking and can set off a desired chain of events in the future.

Professor of organizational behavior Herminia Ibarra writes in the Harvard Business Review that one highly effective strategy you can use to improve your confidence as you “fake it until you learn it” is to mimic someone else around you who displays the skill sets you are desiring, even if your first inclination is to worry about appearing like an imposter. 

So, figure out someone who has what you want. Then mimic away. Seriously, this is how we learned as children, you definitely have it in you!

Habit #3: Fall down 5 times, Get up 6

Overanalyzing everything you do is a terrible habit to fall into. We all are guilty of it at times. Our feelings of uncertainty drive us to overthink and doubt ourselves, especially when we make mistakes or don’t succeed. Many times our overthinking makes us not want to try again when we fail.

When you have a setback or failure, all of your past difficult life experiences, pains, and stressful circumstances want their ‘voices’ to be heard. They want to remind you that you’re not good enough. In a counterintuitive way, they are doing this to protect you. They don’t want you to get your hopes up because you might get knocked down again. 

Interestingly enough, successful people have that voice too. It’s normal. But, the difference is successful people know how to turn that voice off early and often. Or they just power through.

How you deal with those voices is based on your mindset and sheer repetition. Fortunately, those are two qualities are available to everyone. Mindsets can be changed, cultivated and created any way you choose. Successful people know this, and have worked hard to make sure setbacks don’t become their Achilles heel. You can too.

If you choose to have a ‘growth’ mindset, meaning you start to view your ability to grow and learn from mistakes, you will be able to see setbacks as just part of your journey. You’ll quiet those over analyzing, self-critical voices because they won’t have fuel anymore. 

It is as easy as choosing this new “growth mindset” way to tackle setbacks and reminding yourself that that is what the pros do. They’ve fallen down 5 times and gotten back up 6!