Does Bargaining with Your Anxiety Make it Better?

We’re all world class bargainers. No, not like the ones you’ll encounter as you nudge your way through the busy shops of the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul, or wander through the famous stalls of Jemaa El Fnaa in Marrakech, or while lost in the maze of the ancient markets in New Delhi. Actually, that’s not the type of bargaining I’m talking about at all. 

I’m talking of the constant bargaining and negotiating we do all the time without even thinking of it. In our heads. If we were to turn up the volume on our awareness, we’d shock ourselves with how often we are wheeling and dealing…with ourselves!

Here are some examples. Have you bargained with the anxiety gods that as long as you keep your anxiety they’ill protect you from really bad things happening? Or convince yourself that as long as you keep your worry front and center, you’re being responsible and that it’ll eventually pay off? Or have you traded your ‘peace of mind’ in exchange for providing for your family?

The problem with this type of internal bargaining and negotiating is that it is a one-way street. The other side might be at the table but they aren’t signing the contract. And because in our minds we feel so much is at stake, we end up with exceptional follow-through. We live up to our side of the bargain. We worry, keep our anxiety, avoid certain things, even throw in a panic attack or two. The other side? Well, they’re still not signing and there are no guarantees that they’re going to come through for us.

Would you EVER enter into a business deal like this? Even if your job doesn’t require making deals…logically does this make sense to you?

Me either.

So where does that leave us?

5 Ways to Stop Bargaining with Your Anxiety

1. We need to shed some light on the bargains we’ve made with some unreliable counterparts. Do any of these sound familiar? Have I unconsciously, or consciously, bargained that constant anxiety in return for life turning out ok is worth it. That I’ll chance and bargain that my lack of sleep will ensure business success. Or maybe I’ll bargain and accept that maybe my chronic worry will guarantee my kids will stay safe. Some may bargain that being overweight is the price I need to pay in order for my kids to get to their activities. Others may have bargained that having panic attacks are ok if it helps me keep my demanding but high paying job.

2. We need to ask ourselves if this is the only way that we will get the outcome we are wanting. Do I really need to wake up anxious in order for my life to turn out ok? Is the picture I’ve painted for my life the only picture that will work? Is being afraid of losing what I have or what I want to have the best way to keep it? Ask yourself some real questions along these lines.

3. Think logically even though anxiety isn’t logical. Anxiety is usually based on something that is potentially real and so logically an anxious reaction does make sense, though it’s often exaggerated. Once we accept that we’re not so off base and broken, we can think of other logical ways to deal with whatever we’re struggling with. Keeping our anxiety is one option and then we add other options to our menu. Let’s play this out with an example, let’s say you’re overwhelmed with responsibilities at work. One option is to wake up each morning before work feeling anxious, another option is to call in sick, or start looking for another job, or talk with your boss, or reframe what’s being asked of you, or take an online class to fill in skill gaps, or talk with a friend, or learn natural ways to help your body calm down, or make sure you exercise, or…

4. We need to experiment with other options. We can always return back to an anxious reaction. In a screwed up kinda way, anxiety can actually starts feeling “comfortable” in the known is better than the unknown kinda way. But, we need to try out other behaviors and reactions to address and deal with our situation because anxiety isn’t effective and makes life complicated and sucky. The key when we’re experimenting is to actually give the new behavior repetition and time to see if it works. Too often we try something once or twice and determine it doesn’t work. Our anxiety has had plenty of time and practice so we owe the same to other strategies! What we’re doing is recognizing that a change in behavior can create a change in feeling. That might be a new way of thinking about change for some of you.

5. Cut ourselves some slack. I know, that goes against all the hard-a$$ ‘wisdom’ out there. It flies in the face of all the self-critical cheerleading that has been lauded as the sacred path to success in our culture. Most likely you’ve been going that way too. It really doesn’t work for the long haul. So, maybe throw this one into your experimenting cycle too. Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting you go to the opposite end of the spectrum, lighting patchouli and telling yourself, “It’s all good.” What I am suggesting is that you start kindly accepting a little bit more of being human, having reactions that make sense, and doing your best to make changes going forward…minus the self-flagellation.

Backing out of a past negotiations and bargaining with your anxiety is ok. I think your anxiety is expecting it any day now.

Leave a reply and let me know what you just unbargained out of :-) 

1 Anti-Anxiety Tool for Coronavirus-19

It’s almost June and the Coronavirus-19 uncertainties and hardships continue to lurk amongst us and throughout the world. While it may be scary, there are things you can do to help yourself get through this difficult time.

One place to start is to focus your energy on turning your anxiety into curiosity. 

Curiosity will help keep you from becoming captive to the tunnel vision of anxiety that leads straight down the path of worst case scenarios and overwhelm.

Now, while it is important to have some elevated stress in order to align yourself with the importance and urgency of this pandemic, it is important to employ tools that keep it in check. If you intentionally choose to conceptualize what you’re experiencing as being curious about how things are going to unfold and impact you versus being “anxious” then you’ll be able to:

• Think more clearly

• Plan for extenuating circumstances more effectively

• Be more discerning with the information you’re receiving

• Take appropriate precautionary action when needed

• See the things around you that are still normal and positive.

So, how do you do that you ask? Well, surprisingly it is easier than you think!

Here are the 3 steps to turning your anxiety into curiosity.

1. Reassure yourself that whatever situation comes your way you will figure out what to do, next step by next step. You are a living, breathing machine that is designed to figure things out. That is your default, factory-installed, base-model setting you were born with as a human. Knowing this, your task is to remind yourself of this over and over. And over and over.

2. Recognize there are and will be things you can’t change or control and choose to accept them vs resist or fight them. The tension or pushback you’re feeling right about now is the fact that you don’t want anything to have to change. Or you don’t want uncertainty, or you don’t want people to be suffering, or…a bunch of things that you don’t want. That’s totally normal and ok. The key to changing anxiety to curiosity is to try to accept the things you can’t control at this moment and focus on the things you can (refer back to step 1).

3. Remind yourself that these are truly historic times and give yourself lots of self compassion and get-out-of-jail-free cards. Ok, the first part of this last one might ramp your anxiety right back up. If so, go directly to step 1. But it really is important to remind yourself that there is no play book here. We are living through something that took us off guard in a huge way. For many, this will be the most difficult thing that has happened in your life up to this point. Extraordinary times call for extraordinary acts of self-compassion, self-love and forgiveness (get-out-of-jail-free cards :-)

If you’re the DIY, super busy, dip-your-toe-in-before-diving type and would like to overcome your anxiety in the comfort, convenience and privacy of your own home, check out my book.

What to Do Instead of Hiding When You're Self Conscious

Photo by Masha Rostovskaya on Unsplash

You know everyone isn’t focused on you, so why does it feel like it wherever you go?

This odd phenomenon is called the Spotlight Effect. There may be tons of people in the room, millions of things going on around you, and yet you are convinced all eyes are on you! This causes you to feel panicky, totally uncomfortable, and planning your escape. Sometimes you may feel the Spotlight Effect so strongly before even entering a certain situation that you avoid it altogether. 

The Spotlight Effect is a thinking distortion that causes you to overestimate the extent to which others notice, judge, and remember your appearance and behavior. You think everyone notices your every faux pas and failure and is judging everything you do and say.

The thing is, everyone experiences this to some degree. But the degree to which you feel it with social anxiety is different than the average person. With social anxiety, the spotlight is felt in a blazing, behavior-changing, self-conscious, judging, and ultimately paralyzing way. Even when you know you’re being irrational and even when you really want it to stop, this self-centered type of thinking overwhelms and persists. And the problem is, when anxiety makes us avoid situations, that anxiety only gets stronger.

Try these three ways to start crushing your Spotlight Effect and stop avoiding situations. You can do these in any order.

1. If you feel the Spotlight Effect starting and you start thinking of the worst-case scenario happening, ask this simple question. “So?” For example, if you walk into a party and it feels as if all eyes turn judgingly on you and the clothes you’re wearing, ask yourself, “So?” And answer it. Really answer what you are fearing is going to happen. Once you answer that, ask yourself again, “So?” Keep asking and answering “So?” five times. 

   Another example: if you have a presentation at work and feel your colleagues are thinking you are a total fraud, ask yourself, “So?” Answer it and keep asking “So?” five times.

   This one little word may seem too simplistic to use, but it has so much power! 

2.  When you feel the Spotlight Effect, chances are you also feel the body’s “fight or flight” response kick in. Some feelings might include racing heart, sweating, face getting hot, shortness of breath, and feeling dizzy.

   It is important to address your body’s rush of uncomfortable adrenaline and cortisol by using your breath to tell your brain you are ok. When you feel the effects of the spotlight, start paying attention to your breathing. The goal here is to start to slow your breathing down and deepen it. Make yourself do a longer exhale than inhale. The longer exhale is in charge of putting the “brakes” on your fear and helping you physically calm down.

3. When you feel paralyzed by thinking everyone is staring at you, talking about you, or thinking the worst of you, label those thoughts false alarms and turn your attention onto something else. It is impossible to reason with your brain when it is in this state, so it is important not to waste your time trying. Label these thoughts false alarms and turn your attention onto something else. Keep labeling and turning your attention until these strong feelings diminish.

And last, make sure you do whatever you are doing or go to wherever you want to go anyway! These three tactics will help you ease the spotlight back onto everyone else

A/B Test My Thoughts?

“Will I ever be good enough?”

Why can’t this thought just make me feel crummy? I mean, why does it also have to cause anxiety too? Why not a 1:1 ratio of thought to disturbing feeling? It doesn’t seem fair that one thought can wreak such havoc!

But it can. And it often does.

The tell-tale precursor, ‘will I ever’. Future tense. Not yet achieved. Not sure of the answer.

Now couple that with ‘good enough?’ and well, that’s almost the classic, text book example of how to feel bad or worse than bad.

So it makes sense but let’s do a little thought experiment. The above example is one thought leading to two uncomfortable and disturbing feelings, crummy and anxious. Let’s pull the two apart and see what it would be like to have a 1:1 ratio.

First picture what it would be like to have the thought, “Will I ever be good enough?” and feel bad but no anxiety.

Now, let’s picture that same thought, “Will I ever be good enough?” and feel anxiety but not bad.

Can you do it?

How often do you a/b test our thoughts with experiments? Give it a try. I’d love to know what you find!

Is It Anxiety or 'A Shot in the Dark'?

A couple of years ago I got a coffee ‘to-go’ from the neighborhood coffee shop on my way to work. I usually have my own mug with me but didn't that day. No problem.

Not too long after arriving at work, my body started freaking out. I was sweating, my heart was beating out my chest, I was jittery, my mind was racing and I started feeling panicky like never before.

It came out of nowhere and was totally scary. My day was busy and there was a lot on my mind but this was weird.

I started taking some deep breaths to try to calm myself down. That worked marginally, but I could still feel my heart and my mind was still racing. I didn’t know what was happening. Was this a panic attack? I’d never had one before but definitely knew about them.

At some point, I glanced at my paper coffee cup and noticed the barista’s markings for my order. It read “shot in dark”. “What?” I thought to myself, this was supposed to be just a regular coffee.

I then realized that my reaction was a result of accidentally picking up the wrong coffee order at the coffee shop that morning! Instead of my usual coffee, I had drunk one with two extra shots of espresso! No wonder my body and mind were freaking out! I had just bombarded it with a super high jolt of caffeine and it was reacting as I would’ve expected it to.

I felt better instantly. Well, my body was still a jittery mess due to the caffeine coursing through my veins and my mind was still faster than usual but once I realized this logical reason for my reactions, I was at ease. It was a false alarm brought on my a ‘shot in the dark’.

Upon labeling it a false alarm, all of those symptoms that had captured my full attention and had me so worried soon became a fading-into-the-background noise. My symptoms were still happening but they no longer gripped me with their power.

I got back to work and waited it out.

You can do this too with your anxiety. There are so many similarities.

• If you start to feel your body anxiously amping up, check in. If something isn’t immediately requiring your “fight or flight” reaction label it a false alarm.

• Anxiety triggers false alarms. Teach your mind to settle down with the realization that this type of experience can be attributed to ‘anxiety’ just as my type of experience could be attributed to too much caffeine all at once.

• Just like my accidental coffee with a double shot of espresso, your anxiety is something real and once it has been activated it needs to quietly run its course in the background. Important point: In the background! Label it a false alarm and then turn your attention back on to what you were doing or need to do.

• Remind yourself periodically if you need to that you’re experiencing a normal reaction to something that just triggered your anxiety (usually a thought) and that you can let it dissolve.

• Your anxiety is super uncomfortable because it captures your full attention and usually spirals to become even bigger. Check it. Label it. Forget it.

Have you ever had an experience that mimicked anxiety? What happened? How did you deal with it?

3 Simple, Underemphasized Keys to Meditating

Everyone who’s anyone these days are meditating. At least that’s what it seems like. And they all look so peaceful and calm. At least upon first look. Do they know something you don’t because you just can’t get the hang of it?

Possibly.

And if so, it’s likely to be the following 3 simply, underemphasized keys to meditating. Try these 3 and see if your practice doesn't take some giant leaps!

1. Calm will come. Seriously. You wouldn’t expect to lose weight after one day of trying would you? Likewise, you wouldn’t expect to get that promotion after one day of hard work. Same with meditation. Keep trying. Anyone who leads you to believe otherwise isn’t a meditator.

2. Baby steps. Start with a short period of time in a comfortable position. Your couch? In bed? At your kitchen table? 1 minute? 4? Nothing is off limits. If you make it hard or don’t have the time, you aren’t going to do it. Period. Set yourself up to succeed at least. This isn’t the place to explore your purist roots.

3. Lower your expectations. Don’t let the word bliss even enter your thinking. Blank slate? Forget about it! You will have a constant stream of thoughts, I guarantee it. Don’t expect anything but what you get. Sorta like telling a tantruming kid, “You’ll get what you get and don’t throw a fit!” Tough love to the rescue.

What key to meditation would you add?

11 Hidden Hooks of Anxiety That Are Probably Off Your Radar

Do you feel that despite your best efforts at overcoming your anxiety you are making two steps forward and three steps back? You’re not alone.

After working with many people with anxiety, I’ve uncovered some “hidden” beliefs or reasons why one may stay hooked to worry, fear and anxiety. Despite hating these feelings we may be inadvertently reinforcing them! Argh!!!

The following hidden beliefs are extremely common. Don’t feel bad if they are tripping you up too.

We’ll start with the Top 5 Worry Myths. Many people are surprised to learn they’re hooked by one or more of the following beliefs:

1. Worrying will stop something bad from happening in the future.

2. Worrying about a negative outcome will prepare me for it.

3. Worrying helps me come up with all my options for a particular situation.

4. Worrying helps me feel as if I’m doing something about the problem.

5. Worrying sometimes helps me avoid thinking about something else.

Here are a few others that may resonate with you and keep you holding on to your old patterns:

• Your success at work demands that you’re constantly thinking ahead, juggling, planning, problem solving. You don’t want to risk messing up, and you feel your worry and anxiety make sure you don’t.

• You’ve always been really sensitive and intuitive. Although it has its downsides, you’ve always considered it something that made you special. When you feel anxious or worrisome thoughts, it may be a premonition, and you don’t want to risk not listening to it.

• Your mom or dad seemed to worry a lot or have anxiety. In a way that is hard for you to explain, you feel more connected to them when you worry or have anxiety too. Especially if they are no longer with you and you miss them.

• You grew up vowing not to be __________ (i.e., poor, alcoholic, overweight, sick, unhappy, etc.) like your family. If you aren’t constantly worried and thinking of these things, you’re afraid you may follow in their footsteps.

Or how about these:

• You are the hub that holds your busy family together. Getting everyone to where they need to go, when they need to be there, with what they need to have, and completing what they need to have completed. You need to be thinking all the time, or things will start to fall apart. Worry and anxiety just come with the territory of being a good parent.

• Worrying shows that you care and are keeping problems, yours and others’, front and center in your mind. If you stop worrying, it’ll be like you stop caring.

We humans are complex creatures. At the most core level we operate around two principles: avoid pain and seek pleasure.

What we view as pain and pleasure aren’t always obvious. Subconsciously we may “hide” important pieces of information from ourselves, or start reinforcing behaviors based on erroneous beliefs. And then we’re blindsided when we experience bumps in the road.

Do any of these hidden hooks resonate with you? What other hidden beliefs have you experienced?

If you’re the DIY, super busy, dip-your-toe-in-before-diving type and would like to overcome your anxiety in the comfort, convenience and privacy of your own home, check out my book.

Does My Breathing Make My Belly Look Fat?

Embarrassing to admit but this thought has crossed my mind. It has even stopped me from breathing properly at times. This feels incredibly shallow to admit … but I know I’m in good company. Especially among women.

We start off breathing correctly as babies. Watch a baby sleeping sometime and you’ll see what I mean. The belly rises on the inhale and lowers on the exhale, over and over.

As we grow up, however, we for some reason get out of that pattern and our breathing changes to mainly chest breathing. With chest breathing, our chests expand and our shoulders rise as we inhale and the opposite happens when we exhale.

Our bellies? Well, they stay as sucked in as possible. Totally different than when we were little.

The end result? Two totally different types of breathing with two totally different physiological experiences. Important to note that both types do keep us alive. However, if we were to keep breathing as we did when we were babies we’d be so much healthier than we are today. Physically, mentally and emotionally. To highlight my point here’s what Dr. Andrew Weil says on the topic.

“If I had to limit my advice on healthier living to just one tip,” says Dr. Andrew Weil, “it would be simply to learn how to breathe correctly.”

What thuh?!? Yes, you read that right. Breathing correctly would be the single most pivotal improvement, the biggest domino effect, the greatest…well you get my point.

Why do we change our breathing from those glory days of belly-breathing babyhood? Do we consciously choose looks over health? It’s tempting to blame the patriarchy or curse the beauty industry but that doesn’t help us. So, let’s just chalk it up to bad posture, sitting too much and ignorance. Because it doesn’t really matter why we are breathing this way.

What does matter is that when we know better we do better.

Bottom line one of the biggest reasons to switch to belly breaths is to give our nervous systems a break. When we breathe from what feels like lower down in our bellies, it informs our parasympathetic nervous system that we are safe and can relax. Chest breathing, because it typically is shorter and shallower, constantly signals to our nervous system that we are ready to respond to whatever fire needs to be put out. Additionally, with shorter shallower chest breaths we aren’t getting the full O2 inhalation and pushing out all the CO2 that our bodies need to thrive.

Mentally, this chest breathing pattern has the additional effect of contributing to anxious and worried thoughts, feeling edgy and just all around unsettled. Weird that our breath can directly impact our thoughts but it can!

Check your breathing right now. Are you a chest breather?

If the answer is yes, there is good news. Changing your breathing pattern is totally within your power and probably the easiest way to improve your health and mental wellbeing!

Try this. Every time you walk through a door, use that as a cue to shift your breathing to your belly. Once you have this down, see if you can find other cues to help you make this breathing shift. Over time you’ll find you are doing this as your new default.

Two of the biggest improvements:

1. Getting in the habit of breathing deep, rhythmic belly breaths can calm you by helping keep your O2 and CO2 in the perfect balance and reduce the times your body thinks there’s a “problem”.

2. It can improve your physical health by counteracting the wear and tear of stress by increasing the times your cortisol can stay in it’s place and take a break.

So, does proper breathing make my stomach look fat? With my mental and physical well-being at stake from improper breathing I have to say…I don’t care!

3 Important Things to Make Meditation Easier

Severe Blushing is Embarrassing. One Legit Strategy to Make It Go Away.

Fear of blushing is a prominent complaint by many with social anxiety. We can hide many things with our anxiety, but blushing totally exposes us. Our body seems to betray the fundamental laws of loyalty and self-preservation. It’s embarrassing and all-around miserable.

The physiology of why some of us turn tomato-red at the drop of a hat, and others don’t, isn’t totally understood by researchers and doctors. But one aspect that seems to play a big role is how we respond to that dreaded physiological arousal called blushing.

When we feel that familiar flush and sudden onslaught of warmth fill our cheeks we instantly get self-conscious. Many times we’re filled with some hierarchy of self-hate. If we can escape a situation we will. If we can hide, even better.

All our thoughts get lassoed into one big self-focused bundle and only intensifies the more we think of how red our face is. It creates a vicious cycle. The more we think of how much we’re blushing, the more we blush. The more we blush the more we think of how much we’re blushing. And since it is soooo noticeable to everyone around us, we think about it even more… and want to crawl under the nearest rock.

Needless to say, that’s not the response that’s helpful.

2 Effective Ways to Combat Severe Blushing

In all my research, I’ve found two effective ways to help curb severe blushing. The first is an expensive and sorta crazy sounding surgery. Endoscopic thoracic sympathectomy is a surgical procedure where the nerves that cause the facial blood vessels to dilate (widen) are cut. Um. No thanks.

The second is teaching those who experience severe blushing to explicitly focus their attention on to anything else but their blushing.

Seriously. This simple strategy is an extremely effective way to help people decrease their blushing and cope with their blushing at the same time.

Self-focused Attention

Blushing and self-focused attention mutually reinforce each other. It’s cruel. I don’t know the evolutionary explanation as to why some of us “need” this extra ill-timed dilation of our facial and chest blood vessels. We blush and then we turn our attention on ourselves and the fact we’re blushing and so we blush harder and then we focus more of our attention onto the fact that we’re still blushing… Clearly we made it this far so maybe it isn’t all bad. Okay, that’s not how I really think. I personally hate blushing unnecessarily so I found something that works. 

It comes down to redirecting your attention outward and away from your blushing. Seriously. Acknowledge that the blushing has commenced and then pivot to Plan A. Plan A is stop thinking about your blushing by turning your attention to whatever you’re doing and your environment. With practice you’ll be able to break through the vicious blushing circle!

Were you hoping there was some secret intervention to stop your blushing in the first place? I know I was years ago when I began my research into this in an effort to help me with my own blushing. But I have to tell you since I’ve been practicing turning my attention away from my ‘self’ and turning it outward onto what I’m doing, it has become the next best thing!

I can definitely vouch for this one. What has helped you?