We’re all world class bargainers. No, not like the ones you’ll encounter as you nudge your way through the busy shops of the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul, or wander through the famous stalls of Jemaa El Fnaa in Marrakech, or while lost in the maze of the ancient markets in New Delhi. Actually, that’s not the type of bargaining I’m talking about at all.
I’m talking of the constant bargaining and negotiating we do all the time without even thinking of it. In our heads. If we were to turn up the volume on our awareness, we’d shock ourselves with how often we are wheeling and dealing…with ourselves!
Here are some examples. Have you bargained with the anxiety gods that as long as you keep your anxiety they’ill protect you from really bad things happening? Or convince yourself that as long as you keep your worry front and center, you’re being responsible and that it’ll eventually pay off? Or have you traded your ‘peace of mind’ in exchange for providing for your family?
The problem with this type of internal bargaining and negotiating is that it is a one-way street. The other side might be at the table but they aren’t signing the contract. And because in our minds we feel so much is at stake, we end up with exceptional follow-through. We live up to our side of the bargain. We worry, keep our anxiety, avoid certain things, even throw in a panic attack or two. The other side? Well, they’re still not signing and there are no guarantees that they’re going to come through for us.
Would you EVER enter into a business deal like this? Even if your job doesn’t require making deals…logically does this make sense to you?
Me either.
So where does that leave us?
5 Ways to Stop Bargaining with Your Anxiety
We need to shed some light on the bargains we’ve made with some unreliable counterparts. Do any of these sound familiar? Have I unconsciously, or consciously, bargained that constant anxiety in return for life turning out ok is worth it. That I’ll chance and bargain that my lack of sleep will ensure business success. Or maybe I’ll bargain and accept that maybe my chronic worry will guarantee my kids will stay safe. Some may bargain that being overweight is the price I need to pay in order for my kids to get to their activities. Others may have bargained that having panic attacks are ok if it helps me keep my demanding but high paying job.
We need to ask ourselves if this is the only way that we will get the outcome we are wanting. Do I really need to wake up anxious in order for my life to turn out ok? Is the picture I’ve painted for my life the only picture that will work? Is being afraid of losing what I have or what I want to have the best way to keep it? Ask yourself some real questions along these lines.
Think logically even though anxiety isn’t logical. Anxiety is usually based on something that is potentially real and so logically an anxious reaction does make sense, though it’s often exaggerated. Once we accept that we’re not so off base and broken, we can think of other logical ways to deal with whatever we’re struggling with. Keeping our anxiety is one option and then we add other options to our menu. Let’s play this out with an example, let’s say you’re overwhelmed with responsibilities at work. One option is to wake up each morning before work feeling anxious, another option is to call in sick, or start looking for another job, or talk with your boss, or reframe what’s being asked of you, or take an online class to fill in skill gaps, or talk with a friend, or learn natural ways to help your body calm down, or make sure you exercise, or…
We need to experiment with other options. We can always return back to an anxious reaction. In a screwed up kinda way, anxiety can actually starts feeling “comfortable” in the known is better than the unknown kinda way. But, we need to try out other behaviors and reactions to address and deal with our situation because anxiety isn’t effective and makes life complicated and sucky. The key when we’re experimenting is to actually give the new behavior repetition and time to see if it works. Too often we try something once or twice and determine it doesn’t work. Our anxiety has had plenty of time and practice so we owe the same to other strategies! What we’re doing is recognizing that a change in behavior can create a change in feeling. That might be a new way of thinking about change for some of you.
Cut ourselves some slack. I know, that goes against all the hard-a$$ ‘wisdom’ out there. It flies in the face of all the self-critical cheerleading that has been lauded as the sacred path to success in our culture. Most likely you’ve been going that way too. It really doesn’t work for the long haul. So, maybe throw this one into your experimenting cycle too. Don’t worry, I’m not suggesting you go to the opposite end of the spectrum, lighting patchouli and telling yourself, “It’s all good.” What I am suggesting is that you start kindly accepting a little bit more of being human, having reactions that make sense, and doing your best to make changes going forward…minus the self-flagellation.
Backing out of a past negotiations and bargaining with your anxiety is ok. I think your anxiety is expecting it any day now.
Leave a reply and let me know what you just unbargained out of :-)